What I Want

Thank you, God, that you don't give me everything I want, because when I look back over my life, I see that you give me exactly what I need. Refresh this perspective when I think I am in the pool of scarcity, when I'm actually in the sea of abundance.

How many times have I lamented about what I don't have? How many times have I worried about not having enough? As I mature in my faith, and in my status as a human in the world, I have finally seen that it is an immense blessing to not receive the things I believed I wanted. What a gift of grace this is, to understand that to perpetually desire disregards the many things I do have. I think about my "Biggie" (for those who know me, my grandmother) who talks about gifts she received as a child: a shared bike with her brother, and fruit. Fruit--and she lights up when she talks about it!

So here I am, a blessed person-- a blessed person who desires a relationship when I have more friends than I can count. When the figurative scales fell off my eyes, I saw that I wasn't standing in a murky, stagnant pond, or a small pool cut off from the flow of blessings, but in a vast ocean of flowing opportunity and blessings. Perspective and reframing is my constant challenge, and today, I say the water is fine.


Reconciling action: I will appreciate the things that I have. I will not grasp for more because I have forgotten how God has blessed me. I will not get caught in the mill of insatiable desire, and I will say thank you for everything that has been given to me along the journey. Today, I will honor that less is more.

Love

Love waits, watches, hopes, longs for, empowers, respects, lingers, gives with abandon, receives without obligation, and reveals beauty. Love smiles and grows just when you need it. Love is right here, and will be always.
I have always beat myself up for being who I am. I am a dreamer. I fantasize. I imagine. After years of not receiving "the" hug, "the" support I desired from parents, "the" affirmation from them I wanted, I am grateful that I still believe that authentic love is possible, and that I am a lover. I don't make the distictions that most do; I believe that love can be made manifest in a myriad of way, but ultimately, I believe that love is love. So, patiently I wait, not for the perfect companion, but for the one who believes that relationship is the gift God give us that allows us to "perfect" each other, like metal sharpening metal. I watch for signs, listen to words of hope. I have developed my heart of stone into one that is cracked open wide, allowing myself to be encountered and touched deeply, and appreciating that it will bleed and hurt. For the sake of love, it is so worth it.
Reconciling action: I acknowledge that to love is a risky endeavor. I will do so, because I don't believe God calls us to safety. So today, without even knowing who will accept the challenge of loving me in return. I will open myself to love, relaizing that it has nothing to do with Hollywood's version of love; it is not without seams, chaos, or confusion. Still, I welcome it. I will breath and feel and speak the sounds of love until love comes my way.

Enough!

If this society would stop its consumerism, people would be less lonely. It is an exercise in privilege to "shop" for the "perfect" man or woman, and miss the chance for a great relationship. You might lose your gift from God searching for a dime piece.

On the surface, this may sound like a plea for companionship for myself. This may appear to be my admittance that I am lonely, or longing for someone to see me for who I am. Honestly, these things may be true. However, I am speaking to the deeper truth, the more profound reality of relationships as a consequence of the larger society's preoccupation. Personally, my issues will come to their own conclusion. This isn't about keeping my mind stayed on Jesus (for he is on my mind), or reading Proverbs 31 to be reminded of the well-rounded woman (for I am well-rounded). This is about the awareness that the way society approaches relationships is quite different from how it used to be, and more than likely how God created us to be. I know that this is a nuanced argument, but I think it is worth the time and the consideration.

We are social creatures. We crave relationship. This is how God made us. It is nothing wrong with any of us who desire to be in relationship, and furthermore I honor the fact that God endowed us with the ability to choose. I have certainly enjoyed the ability to choose which schools I would attend, where I would live, even who I would marry, etc. However, as a minister, I have had several conversations that all evolve around loneliness, and the insanity that often accompanies it.

What I contend is that in a western society that is linear, individualistic, oppressive and exclusive, all of these things have crept into how we relate to one another. I know that attractiveness has always been important in the way we choose with whom we will be in relationship. Yet, I don't believe that we would have so many outside of community (because ultimately, I feel that this is what loneliness is) if we weren't such complete consumers.

Sure, my last boyfriend left much to be desired emotionally. He was antisocial and we weren't well matched. But do you know what he said to me? "My next girl is gonna be fine! You're smart and everything, but I need some arm candy. That's what I want, and I always get what I want." Besides the fact he was trying to be hurtful, he was saying what many people say everyday. I always get what I want. I get the job. I get the car. I get the friends. I get the money. If you are not what I want, then too bad for you. What in the world does this have to do with good relationship? It only creates winners and losers, when there is the ability for everyone who chooses to have what they need. The sad thing is many people never engage or get to know people enough to make a decision so quickly as to whether or not they are compatible.

When I was a girl, I loved being around my grandmother's friends at social events. I was always curious about people and their behaviors, and how people interact with each other. I remember how Johnnie Mae (names changed for anonymity) with the limp eyelid and missing teeth was married for 30 years to Deacon Alsbrook. I remember looking at the pictures in their home at wedding pictures and seeing that she was younger in the pictures, but she always had the limp eyelid and the missing teeth. Deacon Jackson was not without his own aesthetic challenges... his breath stank through his face, and his lips made you afraid to kiss him for fear of getting drenched. But you know what? When anyone saw them together, there was no doubt that they adored each other. There was no doubt that they were in that thing together, and that there was nothing that they wouldn't do for the other. They were in love.

So, no pat phrases. No quick responses. I will never say, "You didn't pray enough." I will never say, "Just wait on the Lord." My response is always God has a plan for your life that doesn't hurt, that doesn't leave you alone, that doesn't require poverty or an impoverished spirit (for the sake of poverty). It may require change, and it may be challenging. God desires that we are whole and fulfilled, and if this is not the case, I contend that it is because humans often superimpose their own agendas on top of God's way, and relabel it as God's. God will let us do it our way, but there will be a lot of oppressed and sad people on the fringes of society asking "why?" when we should be asking ourselves what we are even doing.

Reconciling Action: I will be reconciled to the fact that over the course of history, humans have made a simple gift from God an impossibly complicated thing. I will not beat myself up or try to make myself over when people reject me because I am not Beyonce's twin, and I will continue to open myself up to risk loving and being loved when love comes to me. I will refuse the notion that if I am not in relationship, then I must not be in the will of God, particularly when I know that most people believe only winners can speak for God. I will use the time alone to improve my own life, and I refuse to participate in games just to show that I can play them too. I will also accept my life of singleness rather than be in bad relationship. I will be, unashamedly and completely, me.

The Veil of Choice

Thought for the day:

Freedom is a struggle to maintain. Every now and then, the familiarity of bondage calls to me--and honestly, I respond, because it is reflexive. But then comes choice. Right there is a tangible place that I can touch, and I choose freedom. As I reflect, liberation and bondage aren't truly that far apart, but choice is the veil between.

That veil between makes all the difference. It acknowledges shadows but looks for light. My choicefulness is what makes me me, and today I will trust my decisions. Fear is an option, but I will choose to operate from a grounded place of love.

Reconciling action: I will not assume that my decisions are flawed. I will not spend a lifetime discerning what the alternative could have generated. I will go forward, breaking the conditioning that bondage creates, and replacing it with the purity of hope and everyday life. I will not be afraid to live, to fail, or to succeed.

Thought for the day:

It is such a curious thing. I am fascinated by the time I spend being about the trivial pursuits of life. As I get older and better, I tire of all these things--these fruitless, "keeping-up-with-the-Joneses" endeavors-- hanging off of me, jingling like keys to locks that have long been destroyed from doors that don't exist anymore. In confession, I admit I still have them, and I hold onto them like one day I am going to find those doors. Even if it were possible, I can't even imagine what I believe will be on the other side of those doors.

Today, I am reconciled to the fact there is no perfect job, no perfect relationship, no set way to be faithful to God, and no perfect way to live. I realize that at this moment, I have invested much of my life trying to look like, sound like, be like the image others created or that I believed they wanted. Now, I will invest in what is eternal--treating people well; working toward peace and justice; loving myself for who I am, for how I look, in all my complexity; and letting the Spirit of God use me for the benefit of the world.

Reconciling Action: I will not do things just to be a part of the club of conformity. I will not say things because they make me seem smart or faultless or pious or attractive, and I will understand this life is not about continuously flying above circumstances. I will live through what comes my way with as much courage as I can muster, even if I look foolish. I will enjoy when things go well, all the while realizing that I cannot let privilege dilute my strength. I must prepare for the times to come that may be full of sorrow. I will seek authenticity and healing in all that I do. O God, have the keys.

Thought for the day...

Relationships are like archaeology sometimes. You think of the old things you used to do, read old cards with old promises of loyalty and affection. Being single makes you want to consider resurrecting those things, to pump air into them and see if they will live. Sometimes this is possible, but a professor once told me that there is a difference between a resurrection and reanimating a corpse.

Reconciling Action: I will resist believing that what is best for me lies behind me. I will stop busying myself with "what ifs"--which only breeds resentment and insanity--and believe that what can be is within my reach. O God, I open my heart to you.

In the West you have been struggling for many years with the problem of evil. But in the light of non-duality, there is not any problem. You need both right and left to have a branch. Do not take sides, if you take sides, you are trying to eliminate half of reality, which is impossible. For many years, the United States has been trying to describe the Soviet Union as the evil side. Some Americans even have the illusion they can survive alone, without the other half. If we look at America very deeply, we see the Soviet Union. And if we look deeply at the Soviet union, we see America. If we look deeply at the rose, we see the garbage; if we look deeply at the garbage, we see the rose. In this international situation, each side is pretending to be the rose, and calling the other side garbage. Survival means the survival of human kind as a whole, not just a part of it. If the South cannot survive, then the North is going to crumble. If countries of Third World cannot pay their debts, you are going to suffer here in the North. If you do not take care of the Third World, your well-being is not going to last, and you will not be able to continue living in the way you have been much longer. It is leaping out at us already. You cannot leave the job to the governments or the political scientists alone. You have to do it yourself.

Thich Nhat Hanh
Source: Thich Naht Hahn, The Heart of Understanding, Commentaries on Prajnaparamita Heart Sutra, 1988 p36

This quote pushes and makes reconciliation more urgent, because it supports that we are clearly living in illusion. The dangerous thing is that we take on the roles of polarity so completely that humans kill and maim to maintain what we believe about ourselves. We do not see our connection to each other, though God shouts to us everyday that peace is possible today if we stop trying to set ourselves over and against our perceived enemy. I vow to live peace, and to challenge the status quo, and to boldly love the other, even when it puts my life in harm's way. We must live courageously.

“If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe quotes (German Playwright, Poet, Novelist and Dramatist. 1749-1832)

Is this spirit of this quote not the key to true reconciliation? If we who are in the act of reconcilation operate from an event or succession of events where you and I are victim ond oppressor, we can never be in community. However, if I live with you as one who through convenant will not intentionally hurt again, and if you live with me who is not objectified, who is more that one to lord over and manipulate, then we can live in right relationship. This quote is important to me, though a risky endeavor. Most people don't rightly know how to be more than what they have been. But today, I will attempt to live in the hope of this quote, that wherever I am on the spectrum of oppression, I can assist you in becoming your potential, and vice versa.

I know this is simplistic. I know this logic has plenty of holes. However, I want to boldly forward our journey today in a world that seems hell-bent on violence and opposition. Today, I will hope.

Rihanna and Chris Brown & The Talk Show Complex

I am a lay-sociologist. One concept that I hope to develop over the course of my life is what I call the talk show complex. Since Donahue, and then with Oprah, there is a way that some do community that I feel is extremely unhealthy. With the talk show, we don't encounter the other; we encounter their issue, determine a solution for them, and we're done. I will take the current Rihanna/Chris Brown scenario as my case study.

What has happened with these two young people is sad. Incredibly sad. Violence anywhere is tragic and hard to understand. This being said, there is a propensity in the world to believe that we have the authority to speak into folk's lives and we don't even know them. The talk show didn't create this strong urge, but it surely aggravated and magnified it. With the talk show, you have a person on the stage. Actually, this is not true. You have an issue on the stage. Over the course of the hour, it is our desire, and some think our role and right, to fix that issue and send the person back home "cured", maybe even healed. One hour to engage a lifetime of who people are.

The bad part is that once the lights go down, we don't know (or care often) what happened to the person. More often than not, the person is back in the circumstances that created the issue, and doesn't have 100 people in a studio audience to encourage them, pick them apart, or judge them. It feels good for the audience and the talk show host to feel as if they have helped someone. If feels good to get in a good cry and to hope that the person can withstand abuse, poor financial planning, the inability to parent well--whatever--after an hour of forced community.

I contend that this is pure arrogance. Even as a minister, I do not believe that it is my role to speak into the lives of people unless I have been invited! Period. I can think what I want. I can even share my opinions with others. However, in my opinion :), it is arrogance to believe that my little conjecture should amount to a hill of beans to the person. I can tell them everything I think they should do, but ultimately I know that the person has to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. Jesus knew this. Every person Jesus healed died. Every person he encountered had the freedom to follow or not. I say this to say that it was not Jesus role to stay around and make sure that everyone was doing what he wanted and were continuing Kingdom-living. It was his role, and I believe is his role, to meet each person where they are in the middle of their circumstances and offer life or death. He will not use his influence to force anything on us.

Oprah is an expert in the minds of most. I know that I am treading on thin ice here because she has risen to the level of divinity in the minds of some. She is a good person. I heard her speak when I was at Spelman College. However, no matter how wonderful she is, I think she is misusing her privilege and influence in this case. Oprah made the statement that Rihanna (which she pronounced Ree-Hannah) should leave Chris because he was going to hit her again. What Oprah says is probably true, but my issue is with the media who has ultimately said, "If Oprah says it, then it must be true, and she better do what Oprah says." Oprah can only speak her truth. Until Rihanna is asked what she believes is best for her life, all of us need to be quiet. The truth doesn't come from the top down. It comes from the bottom up.

The other piece of my talk-show complex is that we don't have access to Oprah. The talk show does not allow for the circle to be completed. We don't know if Stedman is beating her on the regular. We don't know what her home life is like. We can only assume that she is speaking from the authority that she is not currently in an abusive relationship. The same goes for the studio audience. While they clap, I am positive that at least one of them experienced abuse and stayed in the relationship.

An authentic conversation would allow for there to be dialogue and honesty so that Rihanna will not appear as if she is the only one in history who ever stayed. When Jesus engaged people, they engaged him. The woman at the well felt comfortable enough to have a back and forth with Jesus, and the Syrophenician woman even changed his mind when she asked for her child to be healed. In my opinion, my advice as a minister is strengthen because I am willing to speak and listen, to be open to critique if I am willing to be critical.

It was suggested that Rihanna needs to leave Chris to be an example to little girls who will think that it is okay to stay with men who are abusive. You know, little girls are getting lots of images here. On Thursday, right after the segment that talks about domestic abuse, some naked woman who is a size 2 will be rubbind lotion on her arse. Why is there no energy in finding out is Chris Brown is in therapy or has made emotional and physical reparations for what he did, not to the world, but to Rihanna? Let's be honest here. People are making money on this story. Lots of money.

I wish that Chris had not hit her. I wish that every relationship was one of kindness and without violence. But the truth of the matter is that public opinion could cause Rihanna to leave Chris Brown. Then what? Whew, she did what we wanted; she did the right thing, we'd think. But the right thing is whatever she and Chris decide. She might be more miserable without him than she felt beaten.

Reality check--There are women getting their arses beat everyday!!! The one instance that I was beaten, I do not remember an urgent call coming from Harpo studios. I was left sitting in the pain of the incident, left to figure out for myself what was best for me--by myself. We all need to take a deep breath. We do not own Rihanna. She is not this thing that is devoid of decision-making. Staying or leaving is up to her. It is not my right, or anyone's right to decide what is best for her. If I tell her that as a celebrity, it is her duty to leave for the sake of the world who is watching, I will not be there to cry with her when she is sad, or keep her warm at night, or even advise her on a day to day basis. Chris will, or whoever she chooses. If Oprah is so concerned, she should set up a private meeting with Rihanna, learn how to say her name, and share her heart. Then it will be as Jesus said, a private "prayer" in a closet with Rihanna, instead of gaining ratings off the pain, failures, and humanness of others. I guarantee that if Oprah talks to Rihanna instead of about her in an hour-long talk show format, she will come away with a different truth.

Desperation Personified

I am not in a relationship, and I have to admit that it stresses me out sometimes. Most days, I am gratefully single, happy to be a single mother, very happy to be able to put all my energy into my work and my family life. Then around sunset, I feel the yearning coming on. It's like a light switch in the instant way in which it comes on. It feels like someone taps me on my shoulder, and I can almost recite the inaudible litany of singleness: "You know...you are going to bed alone tonight... whoever tried to make the distinction between being alone and being lonely is full of it... why don't you try another singles site... you know, your ex is still digging you... you are going to go crazy if you don't find someone... the guy you like is just not that into you... why go to the party... you know it is for couples..." Sometimes, I make it through alive. Sometimes, I am quite sure that something inside me has died from the struggle. Other times, I am worn out, but I win. I used to fight with the voice, and tell her to shut up. Now, I tell her to come on in with her little negative self, do what she came to do, and get out so I can get some sleep.

I am trying to do something about it. I am not the kind of person who believes that divine intervention means that God is a genie who will do what I want. I don't believe that through some incantation and dance my man is going to show up on the doorstep. I do believe that it is important to be love for someone else and to love yourself, and that doing this makes one more attractive and ready to be in relationship. So, I know that God is able. I am glad to see love around me. I don't envy it. I don't hate to see people happy. I relish in their good fortune, because I know that God's law of the universe is that if God can bless them, God can do it for me! Well!

So, I come to my point. I really am not putting out an advertisement as much as I want to say that we are called as single people to determine who we are and what we want for ourselves. I will not give myself over to anyone. I have in the past, and I contend that sort of desperation always leaves a sour taste in your mouth, and a confusion about why you are even with the person (not to mention the confusion of your friends and family). Desperation is a tragic and terrible thing. Because of life's circumstances, I have to be mindful not to fall into that pit, because it can make you do so things that you cannot even understand. I came across an email that someone sent me a couple of years ago that proves my point. The woman highlighted here is my figurative sister, though I cannot imagine now in my life being low enough to agree to what she did. The attachment to the email is a legal document--a post-nuptial agreement of sorts. It is stamped by the county clerk and signed off by the probate judge.

Excuse the grammatical issues. There are lots of them and they are the author's. The document reads as follows, and I have changed the names in case these people are reading.

The agreement between Tom and Jerrisha Smith. I, Jerrisha Smith agree to the following:

1. I agree to only clean our home, 225 Buster Street, Alexandria, VA 00001 in a manner that is acceptable to Tom Smith.
2. I Jerrisha Smith, agree that the Ford Explorer belong to Tom Smith and that I will keep it clean all the time and that the driver of it will be Tom Smith at all time.
3. I Jerrisha Smith agree to only work at Jobs that Tom Smith approval of at all time.
4. I Jerrisha Smith agree to attend Church with my husband Tom Smith at New Walk of the Covenant of Jesus Christ Church. (The original name was sooo similar.)
5. I Jerrisha Smith agree to conduct myself in a manner fitting a minister wife.
6. I Jerrisha Smith agree that I will not communicate with none of my past associate as of right now.
7. I Jerrisha Smith agree to contribute all wages, gift, donation, contribution and the like to my husband, Tom Smith to be distribute as he see fit.
8. I Jerrisha Smith agree to honor my marriage vows and covenant that I made between God and my husband Tom Smith.
9. I Jerrisha Smith agree not to communicate with any of my husband phyicians and not go to any courts and try to get him commit to any hospital about his mental capacity myhusband name is Tom Smith.
10. I Jerrisha Smith agree not to attend the Edge of Night Church (again, pretty similar to the original) for any funcitions, of sevices, fellowships and move my membership to The New Walk of the Covenant of Jesus Christ Church.
11. I Jerrisha Smith agree that I will not cause no further trouble in my husband life by trying to have him arrested and calling any law enforcement agency on my husband Tom Smith.
12. I Jerrisha Smith agree that only Lil' Tom Smith can stay at 225 Buster Street this is my only child that I want. Staying with me and my husband Tom Smith.
13. I Jerrisha Smith agree that Jerry and Jereal (her biological children) can never stay with me and my husband Tom Smith or visit at 225 Buster Street.
14. I Jerrisha Smith agree that I will encourage my husband Tom Smith about good things and that I will be kind, nice and have the God kind of love for him the Agape Love and that I will respect my husband Tom and show him affection due him because he is my husband Tom Smith.
15. I Jerrisha Smith agree not to abuse my husband Tom Smith.

End.

Ummm... as much as I crave relationship, I know that there is something very wrong with this picture. Jerrisha is the poster child for oppressed women, and she must have truly been in survival mode and desperation to let him dictate this to her (as it obviously was), and then dress her body, and put on her shoes to take it to the courthouse to be made a legal document. I'm not even hating pre- and post-nuptial agreements. Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do, especially if children are involved--or you are Kanye West:) But this is a hot mess! The sad part is, if "Jerrisha" is still with her husband, you know she is a miserable soul. She is missing her children, and probably is cut off from friends and family that could tell her this man is a fool.

I've been with someone, wondering why I let him decide to be with me and just went with it. It is no treat to wake up after you have checked off your pitiful goals and realize that your list was significantly incomplete. Instead of just wanting "a man", I want the man that is well-suited for me. I pray for myself and for everyone discerning how to be in relationship that we enter love choicefully, with the desire for wholeness and happiness for both people. This is a beautiful place.

An apology

Life is not easy. There certainly is no way to make it through without pain and suffering. One of the most dangerous places is where we go when we are in pain.

I have been hurt, and I have been hurt often, so I try not to do it to others intentionally. You cannot always help how people perceive you, but I try to express myself as one who tries to speak for justice and for truth even in my family.

Because I attempted to be anonymous in my last blog, feelings were hurt and some of the things I said were translated into the worst unintended result. Without going into it, I want to apologize to my apparent large readership :) if I was hurtful to anyone. I am genuinely and completely sorry. Next time, I will stick to my point without even the slightest hint of reference to a real human. Ultimately, I stick by my premise--we are not called to judge others and determine what they deserve based on what we think we know about the circumstances. Just like the events of the day, more than likely what we have perceived or been told is completely wrong, and more hurt feelings are generated, to include mine.

Blessings on your journey.

The Gift of Feeling

It occurs to me that one of God's greatest gifts is the ability to feel. I mean in a sensory way, but I also mean the deep, visceral way of knowing and feeling. Looking back on my life, I am not sure that it was normative in my family to feel. I remember not feeling well physically, and not being given the ability to just be sick. Do you know that it is a gift to be allowed to be sick?

I had stomach pains that were never explained as a child. I certainly don't remember going to the doctor to figure out what they were about. I also suffered with asthma, and though I had medication that was so nasty I still recall it's disgusting flavor, I always felt like I couldn't breath deeply. So, I learned to get by without breathing deeply, and didn't find relief until I learned to play the flute. Playing the flute gave me the ability to breath more deeply, and the skill helped my entire life. Somehow, God knows how to work like Flip Wilson's old character Geraldine, "...in the back, in the corner, in the dark..." All in all, what I began to believe is that it was normative to repress dissatisfaction, joy, illness, sadness, love, and fear. Eventually, as a teenager, I was attracted to the quick fixes that mimicked deeply emotion and feeling, but was left wanting.

As an adult, I finally figured out that I didn't hear "I love you" enough. I figured out that I missed too many kisses from my mother, and too many compliments from my father. And though I am now a confident, high-functioning person, I am going to work on giving permission to myself to feel in spite of. Someone I love very much doesn't appear to love me back--at least not as I wish this person would. So as I am writing, I'm crying. How liberating! I'm so glad that I can cry and know love in such an abiding way, even when it is painful. I'm so proud of Barack Obama I can't help but smile when I think about how history has turned, and how he has participated in that change. I smile until my face hurts sometimes! As I got out of the bed to write this entry, I shut the door on my fingers by mistake. After my initial reaction and assessment of whether or not I was hurt, I was struck by the pain. I'm not sadist or crazy, but I was glad in that moment to have the ability to feel! I know it is a gift to feel in whatever way, because if I can hurt like that physically, I also have the capacity to be joyful and fulfilled.

In my maturity as a human, as a woman, in all my gifts and faults, I am so proud of my decision to live more fully. This includes loving myself and others more intentionally, experiencing life more fully, even when I am afraid, and feeling deeply. After years of believing whatever is holy must be the opposite of what is divine, finally I realized they can be one in the same. Just breathing is a holy act, so I offer to you that everything you are--even the parts you fear or don't understand--can be a gift that leaves you standing on holy ground. Maybe the next time you look in the mirror, you should breath deeply... and take off your shoes.

A Prayer for the Inauguration of President Obama

Creator God,
God of life, and provider of new opportunities for wholeness and healing,
I pray to you this day a new prayer.
I have no formulaic incantation or dance for you.
Today, is too important to regurgitate the prayers that worked for my grandfather or for my mother.
While I may pray those ones in my prayer closet, for they are deep, abiding and powerful, I pray today what is on my heart.
I will not pray, "Keep me and mine safe, to include my president,"
Because this is too puny for who I see you to be, O God.
Essentially, I believe you want safety and goodness for President Obama, his family, and for all your children.
O, God, I just want to thank you.
I am privileged to be alive, to be the daughter of daughters of the whip.
I just want to thank you.
I am so glad that my grandmother's eyes, eyes that have seen palpable hate etched on a metal sign over her water fountain, a sign that told her rusty, warm water was what she deserved--
Those eyes will see that you are Sovereign, that you are able, in her "son'' Barack Obama.
So, if you don't do another thing for me, for this I say thank you.
I thank you that you kept her alive long enough to see this day.
I want to thank you that your child fast forwarded his political plans to step up to the plate, because if we ever needed an innovative and God-inspired leader, we sure do need him now.
When bad things happen, religion and religious people have often wrongly assumed that you are off the job, that you are silent for no reason, allowing us to swim through life on our own.
But I know you are here, always here, always providing, always loving, always intervening.
I believe that those of us who decide that we know better shut you down.
You can't work, for we give you no clean hands to function with, and because everyone has not learned how to hear your voice, some assume you must be as untrustworthy and mean-spirited as any human can be.
No.
It is time for a new belief in who you are, Dear God.
Help us to be hopeful, to know in our hearts that you love us, and that you are a Creator and not a destroyer.
Help us to give humanity the benefit of the doubt, for often good people enter evil plots because all the grace has been squeezed out by fear, anger, and doubt.
Today, I pray for President Obama's safety and success with every fiber of my being.
I pray that assassins' bullets won't fly, and that you change and soften the hearts of a society that produce terrorists and assassins who believe that one can kill another that one didn't create,
Who believe that one's ideology can be so important and righteous in one's mind that the way to make change is through violence.
I believe that if our hearts are changed to honor life, and to respect and value others, there will be no bullets.
We will see a generation of peace that many only dreamed would come.
We have seen leadership that only existed for itself, and we are tired.
That kind of selfishness can produce wars on a whim, and not care a bit as long as pockets grow fat.
I pray that his leadership will help each of us as citizens of the world become a part of the solution--for all people.
I hope that such fierce and focused light is shined on oppression, privilege, and evil that finally this country can have real healing to wounds that still gape from neglect and from being ignored.
I pray that we will not let President Obama stand alone so that if he tumbles, he falls down with no support.
Let us rush to his aid, to be a fence all around him, to support him with our prayers and with our right actions to build the Kin-dom of God through our schools and our communities, here and across the world.
Let this inauguration be the beginning of a new way to govern and be governed, a new way to live.
Let this occasion remind us who we are and whose we are.

Lord, this doesn't sound like the prayers I've often heard, but I pray to you with a liberated and open heart, knowing you hear and answer prayer.
This I lift this pray to you as we celebrate this joyous and pivotal occasion of your grace, Amen.

A penny for your thoughts, $1.5 million for your kidney

Today, I was listening to the news as I was walking through the house attempting to wake up. So, through my haze, I passed by the television just as I heard, "A man is divorcing his cheating wife, and now he wants back the kidney he gave her." What the...? I couldn't move. I had to listen to the rest of the story. He went on to say something like he didn't think she deserved it. He wanted it back, or the value of that kidney--$1.5 million. Ummm...I've been hurt, y'all. I've been so hurt by someone that I didn't know that my tear ducts could produce that many tears. My goodness, just thinking about it makes me sad. I've also been so disappointed that I felt justified in wanting revenge. In the moment, I didn't feel like the person even deserved oxygen! He was so lowdown that he was stealing it from humans and animals that needed that oxygen. Nobody human could do to me what he had done. That kind of pain sends you into a pit so dark and deep you end up looking like a villain on a Disney movie, furrowed brow and all.

Well, I got over it. The rush of emotions subsided. After considering things, I didn't hate the person. Eventually, I got over him, and was glad that I didn't participate in any mean-spirited things that I fantasized about. Because I've lived a few years, I knew that life would one day show him the kind of pain he caused me, and that there was no need for me to wish him suffering. I'm sharing all this to say that if I gave that man one of my kidneys, and we broke up, I think I would have to chalk it up to the game. If I gave him a kidney as an insurance policy to stay with me, then I have problems, and should rush to the therapist. I understand that this man is hurting. She has allegedly withheld his children from him, and she cheated on him. He is scrambling for anything to get her back, but this is ridiculous. I really hope that he learns to forgive, withdraws the case, and moves on. I also hope he directs all this energy somewhere positive, like pursuing joint custody of the children. Ultimately, I feel sorry for him, and sorry for a world where when we hurt, we often run to the lawyers office first to sue our pain away. The really sad thing is that it rarely works to alleviate the suffering. I will pray that this family reconciles in some way. And...if this man wins the case, I hope that his ex-wife lives near a good butcher. There, she can get him all the kidneys and innards he wants.

It's a new year, and though I am not a huge fan of resolutions--which often become opportunities for guilt and failure--a new year does offer the opportunity for fresh ideas and transformation. I am years and pounds past the weight loss resolution, a marriage past meeting Mr. Right, a therapist past coming to terms with my childhood. This year, these things just don't seem as important as they were. This year, I feel like I just want to do some work on me, for me. Here are my action steps for the year, and I am sure more will come as I do the work:

• I will be kind to myself. I will not call myself names, or repeat and perpetuate negativity. I will understand that this work is primary, and will support the success of the other steps.
• I will respect myself and respect others.
• I will look for beauty, and spend time with it, knowing that the beauty I experience is a reflection of my own. I can only see what I see or experience as beautiful if I acknowledge and own the beauty in me.
• I will care for the earth. I will determine how my lifestyle impacts her and make changes toward her healing. I will spend less time blaming government and big business, and more time owning responsibility as part of the problem and the solution.
• I will make community wherever I go. I have found that I can be with people without being impacted by them, or without sharing my life in meaningful ways. I will be open to the possibility of new relationships. I will stop pushing people away, and lamenting that I am alone.
• I will be transparent. As a minister, as a mother, as one who is in relationship, I will stop refusing to engage until I "get myself right." I will believe that people can love me just for me. I will have faith that people are kind and desire to have a leader who is engaging and open.
• I will be honest that I sabotage my success. Instead of longingly admiring the success of others, I will congratulate them as I am successful in my writing, in my business, in my music, in my relationships.
• I will risk! I will ride a rollercoaster, learn to ski, do something daring. Safety is important, but it can lead to bitterness and to a life unlived if being safe is the only goal. I am not on earth only to turn 80 one day with no scars.
• I will speak on behalf of someone with no voice. I will sing to someone who longs to hear their song. I will touch a hand that has forgotten how a kind touch feels. I will surprise someone with a image of God and of themselves that is healing and relevant to their life and circumstance. I pray fresh prayers, in my hands, in my feet, and in my heart.
• I will be a lender and a borrower. I will ask for help when I need it, and be grateful for when I can help others. I will remember that grace is not just giving in a spirit of unconditional love, but learning to receive without feeling as if I have to repay the gift.
• I will start a business, not to make money only, but to share who I am with the world, and to offer a new way of doing business that is not about the bottom line or the status quo.

This year, I pray you find steps that will push you to a better you. I pray that your life is full of goodness, and understanding and grace when the bad times come. I pray that you are open to the gift within you, and that you experience peace for your journey.