Desperation Personified

I am not in a relationship, and I have to admit that it stresses me out sometimes. Most days, I am gratefully single, happy to be a single mother, very happy to be able to put all my energy into my work and my family life. Then around sunset, I feel the yearning coming on. It's like a light switch in the instant way in which it comes on. It feels like someone taps me on my shoulder, and I can almost recite the inaudible litany of singleness: "You know...you are going to bed alone tonight... whoever tried to make the distinction between being alone and being lonely is full of it... why don't you try another singles site... you know, your ex is still digging you... you are going to go crazy if you don't find someone... the guy you like is just not that into you... why go to the party... you know it is for couples..." Sometimes, I make it through alive. Sometimes, I am quite sure that something inside me has died from the struggle. Other times, I am worn out, but I win. I used to fight with the voice, and tell her to shut up. Now, I tell her to come on in with her little negative self, do what she came to do, and get out so I can get some sleep.

I am trying to do something about it. I am not the kind of person who believes that divine intervention means that God is a genie who will do what I want. I don't believe that through some incantation and dance my man is going to show up on the doorstep. I do believe that it is important to be love for someone else and to love yourself, and that doing this makes one more attractive and ready to be in relationship. So, I know that God is able. I am glad to see love around me. I don't envy it. I don't hate to see people happy. I relish in their good fortune, because I know that God's law of the universe is that if God can bless them, God can do it for me! Well!

So, I come to my point. I really am not putting out an advertisement as much as I want to say that we are called as single people to determine who we are and what we want for ourselves. I will not give myself over to anyone. I have in the past, and I contend that sort of desperation always leaves a sour taste in your mouth, and a confusion about why you are even with the person (not to mention the confusion of your friends and family). Desperation is a tragic and terrible thing. Because of life's circumstances, I have to be mindful not to fall into that pit, because it can make you do so things that you cannot even understand. I came across an email that someone sent me a couple of years ago that proves my point. The woman highlighted here is my figurative sister, though I cannot imagine now in my life being low enough to agree to what she did. The attachment to the email is a legal document--a post-nuptial agreement of sorts. It is stamped by the county clerk and signed off by the probate judge.

Excuse the grammatical issues. There are lots of them and they are the author's. The document reads as follows, and I have changed the names in case these people are reading.

The agreement between Tom and Jerrisha Smith. I, Jerrisha Smith agree to the following:

1. I agree to only clean our home, 225 Buster Street, Alexandria, VA 00001 in a manner that is acceptable to Tom Smith.
2. I Jerrisha Smith, agree that the Ford Explorer belong to Tom Smith and that I will keep it clean all the time and that the driver of it will be Tom Smith at all time.
3. I Jerrisha Smith agree to only work at Jobs that Tom Smith approval of at all time.
4. I Jerrisha Smith agree to attend Church with my husband Tom Smith at New Walk of the Covenant of Jesus Christ Church. (The original name was sooo similar.)
5. I Jerrisha Smith agree to conduct myself in a manner fitting a minister wife.
6. I Jerrisha Smith agree that I will not communicate with none of my past associate as of right now.
7. I Jerrisha Smith agree to contribute all wages, gift, donation, contribution and the like to my husband, Tom Smith to be distribute as he see fit.
8. I Jerrisha Smith agree to honor my marriage vows and covenant that I made between God and my husband Tom Smith.
9. I Jerrisha Smith agree not to communicate with any of my husband phyicians and not go to any courts and try to get him commit to any hospital about his mental capacity myhusband name is Tom Smith.
10. I Jerrisha Smith agree not to attend the Edge of Night Church (again, pretty similar to the original) for any funcitions, of sevices, fellowships and move my membership to The New Walk of the Covenant of Jesus Christ Church.
11. I Jerrisha Smith agree that I will not cause no further trouble in my husband life by trying to have him arrested and calling any law enforcement agency on my husband Tom Smith.
12. I Jerrisha Smith agree that only Lil' Tom Smith can stay at 225 Buster Street this is my only child that I want. Staying with me and my husband Tom Smith.
13. I Jerrisha Smith agree that Jerry and Jereal (her biological children) can never stay with me and my husband Tom Smith or visit at 225 Buster Street.
14. I Jerrisha Smith agree that I will encourage my husband Tom Smith about good things and that I will be kind, nice and have the God kind of love for him the Agape Love and that I will respect my husband Tom and show him affection due him because he is my husband Tom Smith.
15. I Jerrisha Smith agree not to abuse my husband Tom Smith.

End.

Ummm... as much as I crave relationship, I know that there is something very wrong with this picture. Jerrisha is the poster child for oppressed women, and she must have truly been in survival mode and desperation to let him dictate this to her (as it obviously was), and then dress her body, and put on her shoes to take it to the courthouse to be made a legal document. I'm not even hating pre- and post-nuptial agreements. Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do, especially if children are involved--or you are Kanye West:) But this is a hot mess! The sad part is, if "Jerrisha" is still with her husband, you know she is a miserable soul. She is missing her children, and probably is cut off from friends and family that could tell her this man is a fool.

I've been with someone, wondering why I let him decide to be with me and just went with it. It is no treat to wake up after you have checked off your pitiful goals and realize that your list was significantly incomplete. Instead of just wanting "a man", I want the man that is well-suited for me. I pray for myself and for everyone discerning how to be in relationship that we enter love choicefully, with the desire for wholeness and happiness for both people. This is a beautiful place.

An apology

Life is not easy. There certainly is no way to make it through without pain and suffering. One of the most dangerous places is where we go when we are in pain.

I have been hurt, and I have been hurt often, so I try not to do it to others intentionally. You cannot always help how people perceive you, but I try to express myself as one who tries to speak for justice and for truth even in my family.

Because I attempted to be anonymous in my last blog, feelings were hurt and some of the things I said were translated into the worst unintended result. Without going into it, I want to apologize to my apparent large readership :) if I was hurtful to anyone. I am genuinely and completely sorry. Next time, I will stick to my point without even the slightest hint of reference to a real human. Ultimately, I stick by my premise--we are not called to judge others and determine what they deserve based on what we think we know about the circumstances. Just like the events of the day, more than likely what we have perceived or been told is completely wrong, and more hurt feelings are generated, to include mine.

Blessings on your journey.