Enough!

Someone called my house.

It was the wrong number, but we struck up a conversation.

Nice voice.

As a result, I was invited out to dinner.

I graciously accepted the offer,

For I am always hungry; and I let everybody know just how much.

So I got dressed to the nines,

I mean sharp as a tack,

And waited for my date to arrive.

And I waited…

And waited…

Finally, I got a call.

He was on the way.

So, I waited some more,

Looking at the clock on the wall.

Surely, any restaurant was closed by now,

But I hadn’t taken off a stitch of clothes.

If anyone had mastered the art of foolishly waiting,

It was me.

I just waited,

And waited some more.

My stone-like pose was interrupted by the doorbell.

He's here!

My blood rushed.

My heart leaped.

My stomach remembered her hunger.

My date was at the door, and I could take my life off pause.

I could live again,

For my every bodily function depended on this man.

I opened the door to find a man, thinking,

What was his name again?

A man, yes, but more of a creature.

He had the most bulbous eyes any human could have

without them falling out of the sockets.

Must have thyroid problems.

His skin was a grayish-brown color,

you know the pasty color dead Black folks look.

Not enough vitamin E in his diet.

He wore a loud red and orange Italian silk shirt with shiny burgundy pants,

and a goldish-greeny medallion lie in a pool of nappy chest hair.

Well, he can hold on to a dollar. He sho ain’t spending it on clothes.

He opened his mouth to say, "hello,"

and I had a flashback of an old war movie.

Certainly a grenade went off in his mouth.

No excuse for this one; his mouth is just tore up!

Poor thing.

“You ready? You look nice.”

How could such an ugly man have such a beautifully resonant voice?

“Yes,” I purred,

like the man was Denzel’s younger and more handsome brother.

What was his name again?

We got to the restaurant, way off the road, and a dirt one, at that.

He wasn’t worried about it closing because this was one of them

momma and ‘nem Disco/Meeting House/Barber Shop/Restaurants.

Ooo, he really wanted to impress me!

He gently held my hand, and led me to a table in the corner, next to the kitchen,

Where I could get a good look

at the greasy, obese man in a brown wife beater dropping sweat into the food.

Drip, drip... hey. They make brown wife beaters?

Ummm...no. No, they don't.

A blond, Black woman who looked like Bobby Womack in the face,

Came off the dance floor, puffing, grabbed something,

and handed us an oily menu with food caked in the crease.

“Just tell Rufus what you want when you is ready.”

Big girl threw the menu at us and went right back to dancing.

Apparently she was off work already.

My date didn’t even look at his menu.

Just asked, “Ru! Man, what you got left?”

“Gots some pig feets and rice, man.”

He looked at Rufus like he had just said filet mignon.

“That’s what we want!”

WE! Are you French? Thanks for asking, fool.

My body was beginning to do what my sick mind wouldn’t.

It was trying to leave that place,

Trying to convince my mind that it had had enough

and it couldn’t stand another minute.

My stomach began to roll,

My hands began to wring each other.

My eyelids began to droop from sheer over-use,

reminding me that they had been stretched open most of the evening,

Peering out the window to see if the man was coming.

Widely staring at him with every mile we ride on the crazy train.

One arm hung limply by my body--I don't know why--but it was

as if I had had a mini-stroke from his

troll-like image offending my pupils

and continuing the offense down the optic nerve

to my overwhelmed and exhausted brain.

I tried, but I couldn’t make it work to save my life.

I was losing the battle of staying seated, but I had to hold on, right?

It would be so rude to leave. Just rude.

And, I don’t know if a taxi could find this place.

I noticed that under the music

and over the spattering of boiled juices in the kitchen,

This man had been incessantly speaking to me.

“Um-hmm,” I dryly responded.

I had no idea what he could have said, but I answered affirmatively, anyway.

He seemed pleased by my answer, which scared me a bit.

Just then, I felt a spooky, looming presence behind me.

It was a plate of food, jutting out of the window to the kitchen,

Offered by chef Rufus,

Who shook the plate as if it were 1000 pounds, and was looking at me like,

“Take the damn food!”

I stood up and grabbed the plate, mostly with one hand,

Because the other one was still inexplicably numb.

I swirled around to find my date had not moved a muscle to reach

toward the plate, and was waiting for me to serve him.

This was too much. Too much!

I usually had a high threshold for crazy,

but my body’s plea was about to be heard.

As I stood holding the plate of heart disease and a stroke or two;

The smell of cigarettes;

The look of gelatinous pig feet and soggy, overcooked rice swimming in pork juice;

The red, pleather walls of the disco with its broken mirrors and velveteen pictures;

The feeling of icky-ness from seeing hair laying on the matted carpet

of the “barber shop” just off the dance floor,

and on the tables of the restaurant;

All the old, rusty, married hustlers

just in there, drinking and eating, cheating, gawking—

I had to go.

I had to get up out of there.

I had to come out of myself, and think better of myself.

I put the plate on the table,

Watching the grease slosh off the plate

and eddy between the folds in the plastic tablecloth.

I looked at my date, squinting my eyes, as if to say,

You bet’ not say one word.

I got my purse and walked with my asthma through the wall of smoke

to the graveled parking lot.

Walked through the parking lot, down the road.

Down the road, to the asphalt.

Along the asphalt road, to my house.

I dropped my shoes,

My purse,

My clothes,

My undergarments,

At the door.

Took a longgggggg, hot shower and Purell'd myself after.

Got out, and went to the kitchen.

Wasn’t having no more leftovers after tonight, so I broiled me a steak,

Baked me a potato,

Threw together me a salad,

And poured me some wine.

Sat my naked tail on my leather couch,

And ate like a queen.

The next day?

I made a covenant to check my caller ID before answering, and got a therapist.

No more wrong numbers will be tolerated here.

Enough.

The Stupidity of Hate

Let's say I hate you. I don't, but for the the sake of building an argument, let's just say it. I hate you, so much so that I am consumed by the depth and breadth of my contempt. I think about hating you day and night, and I shout out obscenities throughout the day just thinking about you, because I've developed a Tourette's of bitterness. *##@*! No doubt about it. I hate you.

It's the kind of feeling that one cannot shake. It's deep and abiding; the sort of hostility you are sure you can hold in your hand and roll around like a hard, slick marble. You can discern it's weight in your palm, and your skin memorizes how it smooth it is. You know what it is through and through. Hatred.

I don't like you, so the mere possibility of a conversation is shut down. There is nothing to talk about, really. You are vile and disposable. You cannot do anything right. Everything you do has an ulterior motive or selfish agenda. If you sneeze, I will tell everyone who would listen how rude you are to expel your germ-ridden, gooey nastiness into the air from which the world has to breathe. Yes, your existence negatively impacts the whole world. Indeed, your existence forces me to hate you. You are a skin and oxygen thief.

You aren't really human in my hatred. In fact, you can't be, because I have to objectify you over and over again to push you as far away from what I think is good and worthy and human. You are an animal at best, certainly not a child of God, or even someone that should (or will) have access to God. To hell you shall go. My hate doesn't necessarily come as a result of something you did. I simply hate you, and even if we once got along, I decided to hate you from the beginning and was just waiting for the precious moment when my precious animosity could live.

Because we have determined you are worthless, I can name you. I don't care how you maintain who you are, I will say who you are, and speak for you. Mute is the only volume I require of you. I have convinced many others that you are pathetic, unintelligible, and proof of evolution. I do so hate you.

Ok, enough. I need a holy pause. Even this exercise makes me feel slimy. I don't hate you, really, not because I couldn't. I don't because there is absolutely nothing that can change the fact that we were made by the same Creator who said that creation was good. Hatred is the refuge for people who are lazy in their engagement with others, and are predisposed to the negative. It takes a lot of energy to close social distance, to become friends with people different from you. In my healthiest moments, I don't use my energy for something so draining and selfish. Hate is just stupid. It is the state of being where one loses one's humanity based on a false reality we made up of others. This sort of animosity chips away at us every moment we sink into that murky, stagnant pool.

Hating others lowers the bar, and becomes an oversimplified way to be in the world. There is no need to be well-informed, no reason to be thoughtful or intelligent in discourse. In hatred, you can be stupid without apology. One can say, "I simply want you gone, and if I want you gone, I no longer care how you go."

Now to what spurred this entry. Wagging fingers forces one to write for the sake of sanity. Smug arrogance, and over-spinning of events makes one respond. Racist overtones and explicit hatred is flying so much, we all feel sick and dizzy to varying degrees, and apparently there is no end in sight. What spurred me to write is the amount of times I hear people on CNN and other media outlets saying some version of: "I support this person, because he represents the best chance to beat Obama." What? If I were a viable candidate, I would be offended. You don't care about my qualifications, my character, my vision-- just that I can be your mythic hero in a time of perceived or manufactured crisis? There is something implicitly wrong with that paradigm.

Some would suggest that displacement at all costs is not hate. It's simply standing against a failed President with failed policies. Bull. This is pure, unadulterated, school yard-variety bitterness in its many forms, veiled in a thin veneer of "patriotism" and a "return to the good ol' days". This hatred is the residue of the potty that has never been cleaned in our American history of deep racism, sexism, classism, rampant bullying, and an acceptable national oppositional defiance that is dangerous. It is one that has been nurtured for so long that some believe it isn't hatred. It's lost its distinction because its old, deep, concrete evil. We've not been honest as a country, and we have not pursued healing in healthy ways.

Let's stop the madness. The great thing is the opposite of love is fear, not hate, and with love, hate doesn't stand a chance. And there's nothing stupid about that.

Being Nice

I received a phone call last night. Anyone who knows me knows that even if you call me at 3:17 a.m., I usually am pretty good about clearing my throat enough to sound like a human. You know, I want to be nice. I want the call to be pleasant, even if what we are discussing isn't. Well, this particular call came just after a very long day, at about 9:15 p.m., and I was not nice.

It started off badly, because I recognized the number that popped up on the phone. I sighed through an inaudible, "Dang it," and really didn't want to answer. It was a call from a person who strikes me as one of the most insecure and passive aggressive people I've ever met. When I saw her number, I already knew that it would be an event, because every time I have engaged with this person, I have ended up completely drained of energy.

So, because I am a "nice" person, I answered, praying that God would transform us both so we could speak to each other without stress. What's funny is that the person who called takes her role in my play of being nice seriously. Her voice dripped with pure honey as she detailed what she needed from me. No genuine greeting. Just her requests that she spent all day writing down so she wouldn't get nervous and forget (She told me she did this...yikes!) She was only asking for something I had already given above and beyond.

My not-yet-a-friend laid into me with her requests and waited for my response. During the thick, unbearable pause, I breathed deeply. I prayed. I moved around in a not so comfortable chair, trying to gain some wisdom from the fibers of the pink fabric covering it. I remembered some techniques of centering prayer, but knew I didn't have time to do it...and suddenly, a still small voice said, "Kelle. You don't have to be nice."

Let me tell you that I didn't curse her, nor did I verbally lay her out as only a Black woman can do. I told her that she was attempting to get something out of me that I didn't owe. It wasn't about money, and I told her as much. I told her that I was not going to be available for fulfill her deep desire to remain present in my life when her season was over.

Something grew in me in those moments. I realized that I don't have to be nice, and that if being nice is my only goal, I was leaving myself open to be taken advantage of over and over again. I realized that they many times I had prided myself in being nice, I wasn't fully present or honest. It was a masquerade, my attempt to be what everyone supposes a Christian, woman minister is. Nice is about ego, about maintaining "the look" with no depth. However, I have to be authentic. This is what each of us are called to be--always.

Well, I wasn't nice, but I was kind. I was assertive and fair. We resolved the issue, by collaborating instead of back off and giving parts of ourselves we didn't want to give.

"Nice" is no aspiration. Be real. Be you.

The Well of Living Well

Facebook is a great tool for social networking. It can also truly reveal that many people are full of fear, insecurity, and have been brutally hurt by the words and actions of others. Without any negative judgment, I see profile pictures of beautiful people who appear to "have it all", who write a series of depressing status updates and seem on the way--if not already there-- to deep depression and the anxiety of desperation.

There is no simple solution. I'm not one who believes in catch-all fixes, either. I am not one to say, "They're married/single/healthy/paid/well-traveled/connected..." Really. However, I am sure of one thing. If we keep looking outside of ourselves for something that should come from the well that God carved and created within us, none of us will ever find the key to our liberation.

Where is your healing? You are healing you have been waiting for all of your life. You are responsible for finding it in the halls of your own soul. God put it there long ago, and your desire is the only map you'll ever need.

There is nothing worse than accepting the awful things people have said about you. People can be mean! Acknowledge the  destructive things you've said about yourself, those terrible, untrue things you've taken on as another skin. There is no greater sin than believing in God, but refusing to believe that you are no temple in which God will dwell. Where is God if God is not near to you?

We hear spoken death all the time, that we are not good enough, that our mistakes are eternal and everlasting. Today is your day to let lie that go. Misery is not your friend unless you choose it to be so.  Wait no longer for someone to free you. Free yourself!

Reconciling Act: The person who finds freedom fastest is the one who understands that they create their own keys. Step into it. Live freely with the confidence of God.

Renewing my vision...

I'm back!

Waxing eloquence this morning:
I wanna be in the Jet magazine.
Not as the beauty of the month, though I am beautiful indeed;
But as the one whose goin' round, doing good & changing things.
Don't put me in because I'm fine, or 'cause I wear a veil;
Put me in because I'm finding ways to live so our youth won't fail.
Don't worry 'bout my car, or if I'm wearing bling.
Wonder if justice rolls like water, if in this world, liberty rings.
I wanna be in the Jet magazine; I just wanna do my part.
Don't want the fame, or anything--just to live with a clean heart.

Reconciling Act: Today I will not concern myself with if someone pats me on the back, or even if someone knows what I am doing for the benefit of the world. Today, I'm gonna live so God can use me.

What I Want

Thank you, God, that you don't give me everything I want, because when I look back over my life, I see that you give me exactly what I need. Refresh this perspective when I think I am in the pool of scarcity, when I'm actually in the sea of abundance.

How many times have I lamented about what I don't have? How many times have I worried about not having enough? As I mature in my faith, and in my status as a human in the world, I have finally seen that it is an immense blessing to not receive the things I believed I wanted. What a gift of grace this is, to understand that to perpetually desire disregards the many things I do have. I think about my "Biggie" (for those who know me, my grandmother) who talks about gifts she received as a child: a shared bike with her brother, and fruit. Fruit--and she lights up when she talks about it!

So here I am, a blessed person-- a blessed person who desires a relationship when I have more friends than I can count. When the figurative scales fell off my eyes, I saw that I wasn't standing in a murky, stagnant pond, or a small pool cut off from the flow of blessings, but in a vast ocean of flowing opportunity and blessings. Perspective and reframing is my constant challenge, and today, I say the water is fine.


Reconciling action: I will appreciate the things that I have. I will not grasp for more because I have forgotten how God has blessed me. I will not get caught in the mill of insatiable desire, and I will say thank you for everything that has been given to me along the journey. Today, I will honor that less is more.

Love

Love waits, watches, hopes, longs for, empowers, respects, lingers, gives with abandon, receives without obligation, and reveals beauty. Love smiles and grows just when you need it. Love is right here, and will be always.
I have always beat myself up for being who I am. I am a dreamer. I fantasize. I imagine. After years of not receiving "the" hug, "the" support I desired from parents, "the" affirmation from them I wanted, I am grateful that I still believe that authentic love is possible, and that I am a lover. I don't make the distictions that most do; I believe that love can be made manifest in a myriad of way, but ultimately, I believe that love is love. So, patiently I wait, not for the perfect companion, but for the one who believes that relationship is the gift God give us that allows us to "perfect" each other, like metal sharpening metal. I watch for signs, listen to words of hope. I have developed my heart of stone into one that is cracked open wide, allowing myself to be encountered and touched deeply, and appreciating that it will bleed and hurt. For the sake of love, it is so worth it.
Reconciling action: I acknowledge that to love is a risky endeavor. I will do so, because I don't believe God calls us to safety. So today, without even knowing who will accept the challenge of loving me in return. I will open myself to love, relaizing that it has nothing to do with Hollywood's version of love; it is not without seams, chaos, or confusion. Still, I welcome it. I will breath and feel and speak the sounds of love until love comes my way.