The Stupidity of Hate

Let's say I hate you. I don't, but for the the sake of building an argument, let's just say it. I hate you, so much so that I am consumed by the depth and breadth of my contempt. I think about hating you day and night, and I shout out obscenities throughout the day just thinking about you, because I've developed a Tourette's of bitterness. *##@*! No doubt about it. I hate you.

It's the kind of feeling that one cannot shake. It's deep and abiding; the sort of hostility you are sure you can hold in your hand and roll around like a hard, slick marble. You can discern it's weight in your palm, and your skin memorizes how it smooth it is. You know what it is through and through. Hatred.

I don't like you, so the mere possibility of a conversation is shut down. There is nothing to talk about, really. You are vile and disposable. You cannot do anything right. Everything you do has an ulterior motive or selfish agenda. If you sneeze, I will tell everyone who would listen how rude you are to expel your germ-ridden, gooey nastiness into the air from which the world has to breathe. Yes, your existence negatively impacts the whole world. Indeed, your existence forces me to hate you. You are a skin and oxygen thief.

You aren't really human in my hatred. In fact, you can't be, because I have to objectify you over and over again to push you as far away from what I think is good and worthy and human. You are an animal at best, certainly not a child of God, or even someone that should (or will) have access to God. To hell you shall go. My hate doesn't necessarily come as a result of something you did. I simply hate you, and even if we once got along, I decided to hate you from the beginning and was just waiting for the precious moment when my precious animosity could live.

Because we have determined you are worthless, I can name you. I don't care how you maintain who you are, I will say who you are, and speak for you. Mute is the only volume I require of you. I have convinced many others that you are pathetic, unintelligible, and proof of evolution. I do so hate you.

Ok, enough. I need a holy pause. Even this exercise makes me feel slimy. I don't hate you, really, not because I couldn't. I don't because there is absolutely nothing that can change the fact that we were made by the same Creator who said that creation was good. Hatred is the refuge for people who are lazy in their engagement with others, and are predisposed to the negative. It takes a lot of energy to close social distance, to become friends with people different from you. In my healthiest moments, I don't use my energy for something so draining and selfish. Hate is just stupid. It is the state of being where one loses one's humanity based on a false reality we made up of others. This sort of animosity chips away at us every moment we sink into that murky, stagnant pool.

Hating others lowers the bar, and becomes an oversimplified way to be in the world. There is no need to be well-informed, no reason to be thoughtful or intelligent in discourse. In hatred, you can be stupid without apology. One can say, "I simply want you gone, and if I want you gone, I no longer care how you go."

Now to what spurred this entry. Wagging fingers forces one to write for the sake of sanity. Smug arrogance, and over-spinning of events makes one respond. Racist overtones and explicit hatred is flying so much, we all feel sick and dizzy to varying degrees, and apparently there is no end in sight. What spurred me to write is the amount of times I hear people on CNN and other media outlets saying some version of: "I support this person, because he represents the best chance to beat Obama." What? If I were a viable candidate, I would be offended. You don't care about my qualifications, my character, my vision-- just that I can be your mythic hero in a time of perceived or manufactured crisis? There is something implicitly wrong with that paradigm.

Some would suggest that displacement at all costs is not hate. It's simply standing against a failed President with failed policies. Bull. This is pure, unadulterated, school yard-variety bitterness in its many forms, veiled in a thin veneer of "patriotism" and a "return to the good ol' days". This hatred is the residue of the potty that has never been cleaned in our American history of deep racism, sexism, classism, rampant bullying, and an acceptable national oppositional defiance that is dangerous. It is one that has been nurtured for so long that some believe it isn't hatred. It's lost its distinction because its old, deep, concrete evil. We've not been honest as a country, and we have not pursued healing in healthy ways.

Let's stop the madness. The great thing is the opposite of love is fear, not hate, and with love, hate doesn't stand a chance. And there's nothing stupid about that.

Being Nice

I received a phone call last night. Anyone who knows me knows that even if you call me at 3:17 a.m., I usually am pretty good about clearing my throat enough to sound like a human. You know, I want to be nice. I want the call to be pleasant, even if what we are discussing isn't. Well, this particular call came just after a very long day, at about 9:15 p.m., and I was not nice.

It started off badly, because I recognized the number that popped up on the phone. I sighed through an inaudible, "Dang it," and really didn't want to answer. It was a call from a person who strikes me as one of the most insecure and passive aggressive people I've ever met. When I saw her number, I already knew that it would be an event, because every time I have engaged with this person, I have ended up completely drained of energy.

So, because I am a "nice" person, I answered, praying that God would transform us both so we could speak to each other without stress. What's funny is that the person who called takes her role in my play of being nice seriously. Her voice dripped with pure honey as she detailed what she needed from me. No genuine greeting. Just her requests that she spent all day writing down so she wouldn't get nervous and forget (She told me she did this...yikes!) She was only asking for something I had already given above and beyond.

My not-yet-a-friend laid into me with her requests and waited for my response. During the thick, unbearable pause, I breathed deeply. I prayed. I moved around in a not so comfortable chair, trying to gain some wisdom from the fibers of the pink fabric covering it. I remembered some techniques of centering prayer, but knew I didn't have time to do it...and suddenly, a still small voice said, "Kelle. You don't have to be nice."

Let me tell you that I didn't curse her, nor did I verbally lay her out as only a Black woman can do. I told her that she was attempting to get something out of me that I didn't owe. It wasn't about money, and I told her as much. I told her that I was not going to be available for fulfill her deep desire to remain present in my life when her season was over.

Something grew in me in those moments. I realized that I don't have to be nice, and that if being nice is my only goal, I was leaving myself open to be taken advantage of over and over again. I realized that they many times I had prided myself in being nice, I wasn't fully present or honest. It was a masquerade, my attempt to be what everyone supposes a Christian, woman minister is. Nice is about ego, about maintaining "the look" with no depth. However, I have to be authentic. This is what each of us are called to be--always.

Well, I wasn't nice, but I was kind. I was assertive and fair. We resolved the issue, by collaborating instead of back off and giving parts of ourselves we didn't want to give.

"Nice" is no aspiration. Be real. Be you.

The Well of Living Well

Facebook is a great tool for social networking. It can also truly reveal that many people are full of fear, insecurity, and have been brutally hurt by the words and actions of others. Without any negative judgment, I see profile pictures of beautiful people who appear to "have it all", who write a series of depressing status updates and seem on the way--if not already there-- to deep depression and the anxiety of desperation.

There is no simple solution. I'm not one who believes in catch-all fixes, either. I am not one to say, "They're married/single/healthy/paid/well-traveled/connected..." Really. However, I am sure of one thing. If we keep looking outside of ourselves for something that should come from the well that God carved and created within us, none of us will ever find the key to our liberation.

Where is your healing? You are healing you have been waiting for all of your life. You are responsible for finding it in the halls of your own soul. God put it there long ago, and your desire is the only map you'll ever need.

There is nothing worse than accepting the awful things people have said about you. People can be mean! Acknowledge the  destructive things you've said about yourself, those terrible, untrue things you've taken on as another skin. There is no greater sin than believing in God, but refusing to believe that you are no temple in which God will dwell. Where is God if God is not near to you?

We hear spoken death all the time, that we are not good enough, that our mistakes are eternal and everlasting. Today is your day to let lie that go. Misery is not your friend unless you choose it to be so.  Wait no longer for someone to free you. Free yourself!

Reconciling Act: The person who finds freedom fastest is the one who understands that they create their own keys. Step into it. Live freely with the confidence of God.

Renewing my vision...

I'm back!

Waxing eloquence this morning:
I wanna be in the Jet magazine.
Not as the beauty of the month, though I am beautiful indeed;
But as the one whose goin' round, doing good & changing things.
Don't put me in because I'm fine, or 'cause I wear a veil;
Put me in because I'm finding ways to live so our youth won't fail.
Don't worry 'bout my car, or if I'm wearing bling.
Wonder if justice rolls like water, if in this world, liberty rings.
I wanna be in the Jet magazine; I just wanna do my part.
Don't want the fame, or anything--just to live with a clean heart.

Reconciling Act: Today I will not concern myself with if someone pats me on the back, or even if someone knows what I am doing for the benefit of the world. Today, I'm gonna live so God can use me.

What I Want

Thank you, God, that you don't give me everything I want, because when I look back over my life, I see that you give me exactly what I need. Refresh this perspective when I think I am in the pool of scarcity, when I'm actually in the sea of abundance.

How many times have I lamented about what I don't have? How many times have I worried about not having enough? As I mature in my faith, and in my status as a human in the world, I have finally seen that it is an immense blessing to not receive the things I believed I wanted. What a gift of grace this is, to understand that to perpetually desire disregards the many things I do have. I think about my "Biggie" (for those who know me, my grandmother) who talks about gifts she received as a child: a shared bike with her brother, and fruit. Fruit--and she lights up when she talks about it!

So here I am, a blessed person-- a blessed person who desires a relationship when I have more friends than I can count. When the figurative scales fell off my eyes, I saw that I wasn't standing in a murky, stagnant pond, or a small pool cut off from the flow of blessings, but in a vast ocean of flowing opportunity and blessings. Perspective and reframing is my constant challenge, and today, I say the water is fine.


Reconciling action: I will appreciate the things that I have. I will not grasp for more because I have forgotten how God has blessed me. I will not get caught in the mill of insatiable desire, and I will say thank you for everything that has been given to me along the journey. Today, I will honor that less is more.

Love

Love waits, watches, hopes, longs for, empowers, respects, lingers, gives with abandon, receives without obligation, and reveals beauty. Love smiles and grows just when you need it. Love is right here, and will be always.
I have always beat myself up for being who I am. I am a dreamer. I fantasize. I imagine. After years of not receiving "the" hug, "the" support I desired from parents, "the" affirmation from them I wanted, I am grateful that I still believe that authentic love is possible, and that I am a lover. I don't make the distictions that most do; I believe that love can be made manifest in a myriad of way, but ultimately, I believe that love is love. So, patiently I wait, not for the perfect companion, but for the one who believes that relationship is the gift God give us that allows us to "perfect" each other, like metal sharpening metal. I watch for signs, listen to words of hope. I have developed my heart of stone into one that is cracked open wide, allowing myself to be encountered and touched deeply, and appreciating that it will bleed and hurt. For the sake of love, it is so worth it.
Reconciling action: I acknowledge that to love is a risky endeavor. I will do so, because I don't believe God calls us to safety. So today, without even knowing who will accept the challenge of loving me in return. I will open myself to love, relaizing that it has nothing to do with Hollywood's version of love; it is not without seams, chaos, or confusion. Still, I welcome it. I will breath and feel and speak the sounds of love until love comes my way.

Enough!

If this society would stop its consumerism, people would be less lonely. It is an exercise in privilege to "shop" for the "perfect" man or woman, and miss the chance for a great relationship. You might lose your gift from God searching for a dime piece.

On the surface, this may sound like a plea for companionship for myself. This may appear to be my admittance that I am lonely, or longing for someone to see me for who I am. Honestly, these things may be true. However, I am speaking to the deeper truth, the more profound reality of relationships as a consequence of the larger society's preoccupation. Personally, my issues will come to their own conclusion. This isn't about keeping my mind stayed on Jesus (for he is on my mind), or reading Proverbs 31 to be reminded of the well-rounded woman (for I am well-rounded). This is about the awareness that the way society approaches relationships is quite different from how it used to be, and more than likely how God created us to be. I know that this is a nuanced argument, but I think it is worth the time and the consideration.

We are social creatures. We crave relationship. This is how God made us. It is nothing wrong with any of us who desire to be in relationship, and furthermore I honor the fact that God endowed us with the ability to choose. I have certainly enjoyed the ability to choose which schools I would attend, where I would live, even who I would marry, etc. However, as a minister, I have had several conversations that all evolve around loneliness, and the insanity that often accompanies it.

What I contend is that in a western society that is linear, individualistic, oppressive and exclusive, all of these things have crept into how we relate to one another. I know that attractiveness has always been important in the way we choose with whom we will be in relationship. Yet, I don't believe that we would have so many outside of community (because ultimately, I feel that this is what loneliness is) if we weren't such complete consumers.

Sure, my last boyfriend left much to be desired emotionally. He was antisocial and we weren't well matched. But do you know what he said to me? "My next girl is gonna be fine! You're smart and everything, but I need some arm candy. That's what I want, and I always get what I want." Besides the fact he was trying to be hurtful, he was saying what many people say everyday. I always get what I want. I get the job. I get the car. I get the friends. I get the money. If you are not what I want, then too bad for you. What in the world does this have to do with good relationship? It only creates winners and losers, when there is the ability for everyone who chooses to have what they need. The sad thing is many people never engage or get to know people enough to make a decision so quickly as to whether or not they are compatible.

When I was a girl, I loved being around my grandmother's friends at social events. I was always curious about people and their behaviors, and how people interact with each other. I remember how Johnnie Mae (names changed for anonymity) with the limp eyelid and missing teeth was married for 30 years to Deacon Alsbrook. I remember looking at the pictures in their home at wedding pictures and seeing that she was younger in the pictures, but she always had the limp eyelid and the missing teeth. Deacon Jackson was not without his own aesthetic challenges... his breath stank through his face, and his lips made you afraid to kiss him for fear of getting drenched. But you know what? When anyone saw them together, there was no doubt that they adored each other. There was no doubt that they were in that thing together, and that there was nothing that they wouldn't do for the other. They were in love.

So, no pat phrases. No quick responses. I will never say, "You didn't pray enough." I will never say, "Just wait on the Lord." My response is always God has a plan for your life that doesn't hurt, that doesn't leave you alone, that doesn't require poverty or an impoverished spirit (for the sake of poverty). It may require change, and it may be challenging. God desires that we are whole and fulfilled, and if this is not the case, I contend that it is because humans often superimpose their own agendas on top of God's way, and relabel it as God's. God will let us do it our way, but there will be a lot of oppressed and sad people on the fringes of society asking "why?" when we should be asking ourselves what we are even doing.

Reconciling Action: I will be reconciled to the fact that over the course of history, humans have made a simple gift from God an impossibly complicated thing. I will not beat myself up or try to make myself over when people reject me because I am not Beyonce's twin, and I will continue to open myself up to risk loving and being loved when love comes to me. I will refuse the notion that if I am not in relationship, then I must not be in the will of God, particularly when I know that most people believe only winners can speak for God. I will use the time alone to improve my own life, and I refuse to participate in games just to show that I can play them too. I will also accept my life of singleness rather than be in bad relationship. I will be, unashamedly and completely, me.