Renewing my vision...

I'm back!

Waxing eloquence this morning:
I wanna be in the Jet magazine.
Not as the beauty of the month, though I am beautiful indeed;
But as the one whose goin' round, doing good & changing things.
Don't put me in because I'm fine, or 'cause I wear a veil;
Put me in because I'm finding ways to live so our youth won't fail.
Don't worry 'bout my car, or if I'm wearing bling.
Wonder if justice rolls like water, if in this world, liberty rings.
I wanna be in the Jet magazine; I just wanna do my part.
Don't want the fame, or anything--just to live with a clean heart.

Reconciling Act: Today I will not concern myself with if someone pats me on the back, or even if someone knows what I am doing for the benefit of the world. Today, I'm gonna live so God can use me.

What I Want

Thank you, God, that you don't give me everything I want, because when I look back over my life, I see that you give me exactly what I need. Refresh this perspective when I think I am in the pool of scarcity, when I'm actually in the sea of abundance.

How many times have I lamented about what I don't have? How many times have I worried about not having enough? As I mature in my faith, and in my status as a human in the world, I have finally seen that it is an immense blessing to not receive the things I believed I wanted. What a gift of grace this is, to understand that to perpetually desire disregards the many things I do have. I think about my "Biggie" (for those who know me, my grandmother) who talks about gifts she received as a child: a shared bike with her brother, and fruit. Fruit--and she lights up when she talks about it!

So here I am, a blessed person-- a blessed person who desires a relationship when I have more friends than I can count. When the figurative scales fell off my eyes, I saw that I wasn't standing in a murky, stagnant pond, or a small pool cut off from the flow of blessings, but in a vast ocean of flowing opportunity and blessings. Perspective and reframing is my constant challenge, and today, I say the water is fine.


Reconciling action: I will appreciate the things that I have. I will not grasp for more because I have forgotten how God has blessed me. I will not get caught in the mill of insatiable desire, and I will say thank you for everything that has been given to me along the journey. Today, I will honor that less is more.

Love

Love waits, watches, hopes, longs for, empowers, respects, lingers, gives with abandon, receives without obligation, and reveals beauty. Love smiles and grows just when you need it. Love is right here, and will be always.
I have always beat myself up for being who I am. I am a dreamer. I fantasize. I imagine. After years of not receiving "the" hug, "the" support I desired from parents, "the" affirmation from them I wanted, I am grateful that I still believe that authentic love is possible, and that I am a lover. I don't make the distictions that most do; I believe that love can be made manifest in a myriad of way, but ultimately, I believe that love is love. So, patiently I wait, not for the perfect companion, but for the one who believes that relationship is the gift God give us that allows us to "perfect" each other, like metal sharpening metal. I watch for signs, listen to words of hope. I have developed my heart of stone into one that is cracked open wide, allowing myself to be encountered and touched deeply, and appreciating that it will bleed and hurt. For the sake of love, it is so worth it.
Reconciling action: I acknowledge that to love is a risky endeavor. I will do so, because I don't believe God calls us to safety. So today, without even knowing who will accept the challenge of loving me in return. I will open myself to love, relaizing that it has nothing to do with Hollywood's version of love; it is not without seams, chaos, or confusion. Still, I welcome it. I will breath and feel and speak the sounds of love until love comes my way.

Enough!

If this society would stop its consumerism, people would be less lonely. It is an exercise in privilege to "shop" for the "perfect" man or woman, and miss the chance for a great relationship. You might lose your gift from God searching for a dime piece.

On the surface, this may sound like a plea for companionship for myself. This may appear to be my admittance that I am lonely, or longing for someone to see me for who I am. Honestly, these things may be true. However, I am speaking to the deeper truth, the more profound reality of relationships as a consequence of the larger society's preoccupation. Personally, my issues will come to their own conclusion. This isn't about keeping my mind stayed on Jesus (for he is on my mind), or reading Proverbs 31 to be reminded of the well-rounded woman (for I am well-rounded). This is about the awareness that the way society approaches relationships is quite different from how it used to be, and more than likely how God created us to be. I know that this is a nuanced argument, but I think it is worth the time and the consideration.

We are social creatures. We crave relationship. This is how God made us. It is nothing wrong with any of us who desire to be in relationship, and furthermore I honor the fact that God endowed us with the ability to choose. I have certainly enjoyed the ability to choose which schools I would attend, where I would live, even who I would marry, etc. However, as a minister, I have had several conversations that all evolve around loneliness, and the insanity that often accompanies it.

What I contend is that in a western society that is linear, individualistic, oppressive and exclusive, all of these things have crept into how we relate to one another. I know that attractiveness has always been important in the way we choose with whom we will be in relationship. Yet, I don't believe that we would have so many outside of community (because ultimately, I feel that this is what loneliness is) if we weren't such complete consumers.

Sure, my last boyfriend left much to be desired emotionally. He was antisocial and we weren't well matched. But do you know what he said to me? "My next girl is gonna be fine! You're smart and everything, but I need some arm candy. That's what I want, and I always get what I want." Besides the fact he was trying to be hurtful, he was saying what many people say everyday. I always get what I want. I get the job. I get the car. I get the friends. I get the money. If you are not what I want, then too bad for you. What in the world does this have to do with good relationship? It only creates winners and losers, when there is the ability for everyone who chooses to have what they need. The sad thing is many people never engage or get to know people enough to make a decision so quickly as to whether or not they are compatible.

When I was a girl, I loved being around my grandmother's friends at social events. I was always curious about people and their behaviors, and how people interact with each other. I remember how Johnnie Mae (names changed for anonymity) with the limp eyelid and missing teeth was married for 30 years to Deacon Alsbrook. I remember looking at the pictures in their home at wedding pictures and seeing that she was younger in the pictures, but she always had the limp eyelid and the missing teeth. Deacon Jackson was not without his own aesthetic challenges... his breath stank through his face, and his lips made you afraid to kiss him for fear of getting drenched. But you know what? When anyone saw them together, there was no doubt that they adored each other. There was no doubt that they were in that thing together, and that there was nothing that they wouldn't do for the other. They were in love.

So, no pat phrases. No quick responses. I will never say, "You didn't pray enough." I will never say, "Just wait on the Lord." My response is always God has a plan for your life that doesn't hurt, that doesn't leave you alone, that doesn't require poverty or an impoverished spirit (for the sake of poverty). It may require change, and it may be challenging. God desires that we are whole and fulfilled, and if this is not the case, I contend that it is because humans often superimpose their own agendas on top of God's way, and relabel it as God's. God will let us do it our way, but there will be a lot of oppressed and sad people on the fringes of society asking "why?" when we should be asking ourselves what we are even doing.

Reconciling Action: I will be reconciled to the fact that over the course of history, humans have made a simple gift from God an impossibly complicated thing. I will not beat myself up or try to make myself over when people reject me because I am not Beyonce's twin, and I will continue to open myself up to risk loving and being loved when love comes to me. I will refuse the notion that if I am not in relationship, then I must not be in the will of God, particularly when I know that most people believe only winners can speak for God. I will use the time alone to improve my own life, and I refuse to participate in games just to show that I can play them too. I will also accept my life of singleness rather than be in bad relationship. I will be, unashamedly and completely, me.

The Veil of Choice

Thought for the day:

Freedom is a struggle to maintain. Every now and then, the familiarity of bondage calls to me--and honestly, I respond, because it is reflexive. But then comes choice. Right there is a tangible place that I can touch, and I choose freedom. As I reflect, liberation and bondage aren't truly that far apart, but choice is the veil between.

That veil between makes all the difference. It acknowledges shadows but looks for light. My choicefulness is what makes me me, and today I will trust my decisions. Fear is an option, but I will choose to operate from a grounded place of love.

Reconciling action: I will not assume that my decisions are flawed. I will not spend a lifetime discerning what the alternative could have generated. I will go forward, breaking the conditioning that bondage creates, and replacing it with the purity of hope and everyday life. I will not be afraid to live, to fail, or to succeed.

Thought for the day:

It is such a curious thing. I am fascinated by the time I spend being about the trivial pursuits of life. As I get older and better, I tire of all these things--these fruitless, "keeping-up-with-the-Joneses" endeavors-- hanging off of me, jingling like keys to locks that have long been destroyed from doors that don't exist anymore. In confession, I admit I still have them, and I hold onto them like one day I am going to find those doors. Even if it were possible, I can't even imagine what I believe will be on the other side of those doors.

Today, I am reconciled to the fact there is no perfect job, no perfect relationship, no set way to be faithful to God, and no perfect way to live. I realize that at this moment, I have invested much of my life trying to look like, sound like, be like the image others created or that I believed they wanted. Now, I will invest in what is eternal--treating people well; working toward peace and justice; loving myself for who I am, for how I look, in all my complexity; and letting the Spirit of God use me for the benefit of the world.

Reconciling Action: I will not do things just to be a part of the club of conformity. I will not say things because they make me seem smart or faultless or pious or attractive, and I will understand this life is not about continuously flying above circumstances. I will live through what comes my way with as much courage as I can muster, even if I look foolish. I will enjoy when things go well, all the while realizing that I cannot let privilege dilute my strength. I must prepare for the times to come that may be full of sorrow. I will seek authenticity and healing in all that I do. O God, have the keys.

Thought for the day...

Relationships are like archaeology sometimes. You think of the old things you used to do, read old cards with old promises of loyalty and affection. Being single makes you want to consider resurrecting those things, to pump air into them and see if they will live. Sometimes this is possible, but a professor once told me that there is a difference between a resurrection and reanimating a corpse.

Reconciling Action: I will resist believing that what is best for me lies behind me. I will stop busying myself with "what ifs"--which only breeds resentment and insanity--and believe that what can be is within my reach. O God, I open my heart to you.